Just before I got the job offer, maybe even the very week before, on the instructions of my favorite online astrologer Astrobarry, I spent a whole week wanting things (readers of Part 2 will remember). In undertaking the exercise, I realised I had a circuit-breaker installed in my head that when I started to want things would shut down, and I'm sure that was installed via the heartbreak (which readers of Part 2 will also know about), when all I wanted was my ex but I couldn't have him so I had to just stop wanting that. During this week not too long ago, I let myself want things. If the circuit-breaker threatened to budge in, I just assumed that my wish was within my grasp. I let my mind and heart and imagination free, and wanted things for a whole week (btw, I didn't want my ex back once, even for a second, which was a relief).
Looking back, that might have been one of the happiest weeks of my life, and the feeling I remember in retrospect was a connectedness to the here and now. Although I was wanting things, I was also not making any plans more than one month in advance, in compatibility with my ambiguous future (and good thing, too, I've hardly had to cancel anything in November when I won't be here). So, as a result I think I was throwing myself rather intensely into things that were happening right then, and I recall a sense of feeling alive and a sense of vibrating in harmony with everything. A kind of celestial hum around me and in me, and in harmonic vibration with the earth and the city and the fun things in it, and the depth and quality and art and all that stuff. During this week I walked through Glebe and bought all those millions of Murakami books, and had a look at the earnest student types drinking coffee under the colourful posters for alternative musicians and dance events. I did a gig at the Art Gallery in which the rest of the world evaporated in mist, and I had always been only there, at that till, helping people. I was in the city and walked around the edge, past the Opera House, then to the other side looking back t the Opera House, then around the Rocks, had a nice glass of wine in a small but very cool wine bar. Had intense but very present conversations. Delighted in good company. Etc etc.
During that week of intense being, I occasionally stopped still and had to stare at the wall for a while before I could continue. A friend of mine describes having done this in the months after a very devastating relationship breakup, and she thought it was her brain trying to rewrite its programming and get her on track of her new future. Was I doing that?
But here I am in my new future and it doesn't feel the same way at all. Before my big decision, in the pain of the breakup, I could never sleep - readers of Part 2 know this because instead I stayed up chatting to you. I spent hours and hours past my bedtime online, always looking for something. I always felt unsettled, lonely, uncomforted, maybe something like unforgiven. Like yelled at but not reconciled. Like the kid who's been sent to her room, during that time before one parent or other knocks on the door to sit gently on the bed and work it out, after the sending to the room but before the working it out. I thought that when I had my new future this feeling would go away, but in fact I feel worse.
And I am doing more wrong, that would get a kid sent to her room. I am causing pain and devastation every single day. "You CAN'T leave!" I hear it every single day, from someone or other. I feel terrible. I had to do the very worst one this evening, and at first they were very happy for me and supportive but too much alcohol intervened and it actually got even a bit scary at the end. I fled without dinner, and I'm cowering here. I've been a very bad girl, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. How can I be, when all these people are in such pain? But how can I not be, when I feel so bad and unloved being here? Something called me home. Something laid down this path before me all too easily and has made it impossible to do otherwise. What am I being called home to do?
From here I can't see it.
I thought I would feel excited and resolved and it would cure the things that were bad about being here. Maybe I have to actually not be here any more for these good effects to happen. I hope I don't take this gloom and sleeplessness with me. Something else in some horoscope or other said something about finding something that will aid my own healing. I can't just stay here to salve other people's pain. Their pain is their own. I have to go home. I have to go Home. It's time to go home. The black earth of the midwest is calling me, and I have to answer the call, and it's my quest and journey to do, and they can't do it for me, and I have no idea why, but it's what I'm going to do.
Sometimes decisions aren't crystalline and clear. Sometimes they're muddy. But I conjured this up out of my head, in May, and it's happening now, and it's what will be.
Lord, grant me clarity.
Lord, heal those who are hurting and it's not my fault but they're blaming me. That's not right, is it? Lord, hold them in your hands and support them so I can set them down and get on my way.
- Are you all worried that I'm turning into a religious looney already and I'm not even on the plane yet? Blame the Moet.
What a weird week this is.
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